I Don't Understand

I don't understand
How I can be so weak
And so strong
On the same day
How fast a person's kindness
Can turn to cruelty
How the cause and the cure
Is much too often
The same thing
Why it's so hard to admit
That what I want
And what I need
Are rarely the same thing
Why they say you can't run
Away from your problems
When sailing away on Lake Erie
And climbing the Smokies
And making new friends
In a small Irish village
Are the only things
That ever really
Allowed me to heal

Your Color Is Starting To Fade (from a special guest poet!)

Please see more of this poet's work here:
http://noorkab4.blog.com/2012/09/25/your-color-is-starting-to-fade/

Your Color is Starting to Fade

Everytime I try to look at your face;
I can’t help myself, I need to look away;
No… I have come to learn that it’s not hate;
It’s my need to move away from you;
To avoid hurting my soul again;
To avoid being held hostage by your soul;
You used to make me feel safe;
And now I’m staring in to a black hole;
No one can see anything, no one can escape.
Forgive me, for I have sinned in your presence;
My soul is not as innocent as it seems;
Yes… I have had a taste of pleasure;
In seeing you suffer, bent on your knees.
Because I can’t bring my self to forget;
That horrid moment when he decided to take me away;
You enjoyed that he made me suffer;
My soul lost in his shadows, ever since that day.
I am the fear;
And I fear myself;
I am my only salvation;
Yet I can’t seem to forgive or forget.
Forgive me my red rose;
For I am going to throw you away;
Your color is no longer red enough to remind me;
That tommorow will always be a new day.
Forgive me my red rose;
As your petals fall away ;
All the memories we shared;
Carved inside of my heart;
Always on my tongue, always on display.
One by one, they fall around me in circles;
They don’t want me to leave, but I can no longer stay;
The past is keeping me from believing;
I have nothing left to wait for;
You are no longer red;
You can no longer stay.

The Shoes I Couldn't Fill

For so long my life was haunted
By the shoes I couldn't fill
Of someone I'd never even met
And likely never will
I knew you had loved her very much
But I hoped in time you would move on
I didn't understand your need to cling
To things that are long gone
And I've found it's useless to compete
With your version of the past
You remember only the happiness
And forget why it didn't last
So I had to let you go
I was playing a game I'd never win
The gate around your heart is locked
And you'll never let me in

The Version of You That Loved Me

I've learned all too well
That there are many versions of ourselves
Multiple characters that we play
Depending on where we are
In space, in mind, in time
And like the sky changes
We too change
From one version of ourselves to another
And so I justed wanted to ask you
Before you leave for good
What ever happened
To the version of you that loved me?
Is it still there somewhere
Waiting for a better day?
Or did I kill it off somehow
By my cruelty and my lies?
You know that I'd give anything
To have that version of you back
But I've just got a feeling
It just doesn't exist
Anymore

Making Peace With The Ghosts of Our Past

Today I heard the song that played

The night I met my future wife

But now that she is dead and gone

That song cuts me like a knife

Of course painful memories hurt us all

But sometimes good ones hurt the most

There must be someplace I could go

Where I’m not haunted by her ghost

It’s not just her memories that haunt me

But those of other friends I’ve lost

So many glorious days I’ve had

But why must now I pay the cost?

I feel good memories should be cherished

Instead of avoided like the plague

But nostalgia can feel like an evil curse

So for simple peace of mind I beg

Perhaps I’m simply oversensitive

To everything that time will take

And memories are just reminders

That I own nothing that can’t break

But I must find a way to stop my ghosts

From letting me move on

Life’s too short to get depressed

Every time I hear a song

So I listened to that song again

But this time I let the ghosts appear

Instead of fighting back the image

Out of anger, hurt, and fear

I saw the ghosts of who we were back then

One of her and one of me

But instead of cursing them for their return

I wished them well and set them free

Although I knew their paths would soon diverge

I had to believe they would cross once more

In another life and another place

Wonderful reunions are in store

Perhaps ghosts just seek acknowledgement

We all have pasts we cannot save

But although paths diverge and people die

Our souls exist beyond grave

The End of You Missing Me

I don't think that anything
Will ever hurt me as bad
As the end of you missing me
It's like I'd never really lost you
Until the moment of realization
That I never cross your mind
Anymore
And I prayed every night for a year
"Please don't let him him forget me"
But you forgot me
And sometimes I feel
If I don't exist in your thoughts
Then I don't exist at all
I used to be
Your first call
And I can't get that back
No I doubt I'll never recover
From falling out of your mind

The Saddest Thing

What would be the saddest thing?
To die without scars?
To miss all the best sunsets
Because all are too busy attending
To unimportant matters?
To never kiss in the snow?
Or dance in rain?
Will I regret the pain?
Or the avoidance of it?
Is the saddest thing to settle
For your heart's second choice
To be your life's companion?
Or to not realize
That one can rarely grow
Without overcoming the fear
Of being alone?
Is the saddest thing to understand
Too late
That it costs something
To be who you are?

I Lie

I lie
You cry
But the truth would kill us
And tears can dry
I play
You stay
I doubt I'll ever understand
How we got this way
I bleed
You bleed
We just won't admit
I'm not what you need
I fight
You bite
Inside we both know
Something just isn't right
I miss
You kiss
Tonight we can agree
Ignorance is bliss

Maybe I Should Have Cried

Maybe I should have cried
Maybe then you would have known
How much your leaving hurts me
How could you leave me on my own?
Maybe I should have shook my head
When you asked if I'd fine
Instead of promising I'd survive
A life without you mine
Maybe I should have blocked the door
And pleaded that you stay
Instead of just pretending
I wanted it this way
Maybe I should have spoken up
And tried to change your mind
Does this mean you never loved me?
How could I be so blind
And it probably wouldn't have mattered
If I'd begged you not to run
But at least I'd know then what I did
Was all I could have done

Don't Haunt Me Tonight

Please don't haunt me tonight
You're just a ghost
A phantom of the person
I'll always love the most
But now I need a love that's real
I long for someone I can touch
Instead of only feel
So please don't linger now
You need to set me free
You need to let me go
Please
I'm tired of avoiding streets
So I don't have to feel you
It hurts to be here
With you gone
But I am
And I need to move on
Because if I can find
Another love that's real
Maybe I can heal
A little
So please don't haunt me tonight
Let me learn to be alright
On my own

Mirror Lies

Mirror, mirror, on the wall
The fairest one you cannot know
But all the girls still flock around
And believe the image that you show
Pick me, pick me, the girls all say
To be the one to shine today
With lovely hair and sparkling eyes
They worship you and believe your lies

I'm Always Late Now

I'm always late now
I was never late before
When you were here
But now there is so much danger
In idle moments
I can't be left alone
With my memories
So I try to fill every minute
With something else
Anything else
I'm so tired of trying to stuff my mind
With random things
So that I can go on with life
Without you
But perhaps someday I'll learn
That the only thing worse
Than the pain of missing you
Is constantly trying to avoid it

It Hurts To Miss You

It hurts to miss you
But it hurts just as much
To try not to
I hate that I can't stop thinking about you
But I'm so tired of constantly trying
To think of something else
Of anything else
I hate those moments when I swear
I can almost feel you next to me
But I hate the moments more
When I feel nothing but emptiness
I don't want to love you
But I can't think of anything worse
Than never loving you again

The Wrong Road

I was on the road
To having everything
That I was "supposed" to want
A successful and lucrative career
A caring and devoted husband
A nice house in a nice area
Clothes and furniture and cars and vacations
And I really tried to want it all
But I didn't
I just wanted to be alone more
And see more sunrises
And catch up with old friends
And smell more flowers
And read more books
And play more songs
And write more stories
And take more pictures
And watch more films
And have more conversations
That keep me up all night
And I wanted to laugh more
And spend more time on beaches
And ride more waves
And drink more wine
And climb more mountains
And drive along the coast at sunset
So I did